I am deeply moved by this campaign and feel compelled to share, for anyone that has or will experience pregnancy or infant loss. I am the face of one in four women that have experienced pregnancy loss. I lost my child at two months pregnant in July 2011. It is such a horrendous and emotionally earth-shattering experience, yet most of these women feel ashamed and totally alone because so many are too afraid to openly talk about it. It took me a long time to truly realize it, and I wish for every woman that goes through this to understand that you are NOT alone. You do not need to suffer in the dark.
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I am deeply moved by this campaign and feel compelled to share, for anyone that has or will experience pregnancy or infant loss.

I am the face of one in four women that have experienced pregnancy loss. I lost my child at two months pregnant in July 2011. It is such a horrendous and emotionally earth-shattering experience, yet most of these women feel ashamed and totally alone because so many are too afraid to openly talk about it.

It took me a long time to truly realize it, and I wish for every woman that goes through this to understand that you are NOT alone. You do not need to suffer in the dark.

Another one line drawing emerges as the product of my free drawing exercise today. Trees have always inspired me. Their symbolism is never ending and nearly all-encompassing. Trees dwell in several realms - they are both Earth-bound and heaven-bound. Life, death, hope and love. Resurrection, regeneration and growth, masculine and feminine, power and immortality. Nearly every religion regards them as a spiritual symbol, and the symbolism transcends every belief system. Today I am filled to the brim with hope, so it is no wonder that the image of a tree comes to mind.
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Another one line drawing emerges as the product of my free drawing exercise today.

Trees have always inspired me. Their symbolism is never ending and nearly all-encompassing. Trees dwell in several realms - they are both Earth-bound and heaven-bound. Life, death, hope and love. Resurrection, regeneration and growth, masculine and feminine, power and immortality. Nearly every religion regards them as a spiritual symbol, and the symbolism transcends every belief system.

Today I am filled to the brim with hope, so it is no wonder that the image of a tree comes to mind.

Feeling inspired today. I spent a few minutes enjoying the breath in my lungs during my work commute, and suddenly the world transformed into pure beauty and vibrance. [I think I will make a new practice out of free-drawing when I feel particularly refreshed, because I quite adore the simple image that found me today.]
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Feeling inspired today. I spent a few minutes enjoying the breath in my lungs during my work commute, and suddenly the world transformed into pure beauty and vibrance.

[I think I will make a new practice out of free-drawing when I feel particularly refreshed, because I quite adore the simple image that found me today.]

A beautifully simple article about how to meditate.

Don’t let the thought of tomorrow overwrite the feeling of the Now.

Source: lazyyogi

Giving it up

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

-Joseph Campbell

No, I’m not giving up. I am giving “it” up to the universe, to react and create in the way and time that it needs to.

I came to this mini-epiphany a couple of weeks ago. I realized that the constant worry and obsession over trying to conceive is not doing anything but making the journey unbearable. This wasn’t the first time I thought this, but it was the first time I felt it. It’s been 8 months since my miscarriage. My due date has come and gone, and while I expected to be completely crushed throughout the entire month of March, I instead felt a huge sense of relief and hope.

It doesn’t make sense to actively allow myself to suffer, by convincing myself every month that ‘this could be the month’ or ‘I would be mother by now, if that didn’t happen.’ I’m trying to find the line between positivity and surrender - but not surrender to defeat, surrender to the universe instead. Staying positive doesn’t mean I need to say ‘this could be the month’ and give myself a hope that might be (and has been so many times) shattered a few weeks later. Staying positive, I think, means I need to say ‘I’m going to enjoy this month’ and not worry over when or if or how. It will happen as it is meant to happen.

For a while I thought maybe I needed to accomplish a few things before it was my time. I needed to go to the dentist, then it would happen. I needed to start eating better, then it would happen. I needed to exercise regularly, then it would happen. I needed to get a handle on my debt, then it would happen. I was so wrong, and pretty foolish to think that I knew what was in store for me. I couldn’t possibly know.

So now, I’m trying to hold on to the simple idea that I just need to be at peace with this whole process, and it will happen someday. It’s not up to me to decide when, all I know is that I can’t go on feeling defeated every month.

Changing the world is good for those who want their names in books. But being happy, that is for those who write their names in the lives of others, and hold the hearts of others as the treasure most dear.
Valentine, Children of the Mind by Orson Scott Card

after-effect of losing a dream

[semi-stream-of-conscious analysis of my current state of being]

I’ve been avoiding myself lately. Ultimately, avoiding the one thing wading around inside me that has the potential to break me down. What is this doing to me? Is it an invisible poison, infecting me from the inside out? I’m throwing up the walls to cage it in, so I never have to deal with it again until it’s gone for good.

But, somehow, I still know better. It’s actually impossible to avoid. It shows itself every month that I don’t get a positive result. It shows itself in the obsession that grabs hold of me, and I don’t know where to go from here. Somehow I let it define me, as much as I realize I shouldn’t. Somehow, it rips me from the present moment, and sends me back and forth in time, to the places I didn’t want to be in the past, and the places I desperately want to be in the future.

I know it now - not living in the present is the cause of so much suffering, however great or small. Wanting something so badly that I have to force back tears when I don’t get it… this is not peace. When it comes to this, there is rarely ever peace. As badly as I want to just watch it float away, it doesn’t. Then I think to myself, “When I finally get it, there will be peace. I can be with myself then.” Such a backwards way of thinking. Be at peace now = be at peace later.

I know I’m not the only one to feel this way. It’s natural for a woman in my position. But it feels like a sadistic gremlin, torturing and terrorizing. It does not feel like a piece of me, but something else within me, that cannot be sedated nor controlled. It is the source of anger, sadness, guilt, and embarrassment. Why on earth should someone feel embarrassed about miscarriage? Or trying to conceive? It simply doesn’t make sense. Such a large part of me knows that I am causing all of this by being irrational and obsessive, yet it is so far out of reach that I can’t stop it. Why do I need to conceive now and why is there such an intense rush to become a mother? I don’t know. I had it, then I lost it. All of those dreams and wishes and hopes and love don’t just vanish once they are planted.

I need every part of myself to come back to the present. To the notion that all will happen as it is meant to happen. I need to spend time defragging - so how? Internally I know what needs to be done. But meditation, the ultimate act of being present and with myself, has become a painful experience. I know it is the solution. I know it is how I will break down the walls, and let the caged monster free. Free from my mind and free from my life. Sadly, knowing is not doing, and right now it’s just not enough. What do you do when the solution is so painful that it breaks all motivation?

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The Guest House by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.